Every Dog Has Its Day

I went out on Friday night. I have forgotten the free feeling of a Friday night out, meeting up with friends, chatting, catching up, just hanging out. Sashimi, wine and good company. No work the next day. My Fridays and weekends have been filled with work and meetings. Or just catching up with reading and sleep. This year I have led a dog’s life. I don’t think I can recall another year I have worked harder. Or have been more stressed by business. From mid-year, some business associates and friends told me they would not be reachable for a while because they were going on holiday. I saw their vacation photos posted on Facebook. I wondered when I would or could take a holiday. Should I take heart that the year is coming to an end?

A fortnight ago, my body finally collapsed. I was vomiting and for the first time, experienced vertigo. The doctor said I had stomach flu. I knew my body was just too weak to fight any virus attack. It succumbed to fatigue, stress and neglect. I have never felt this sick. I was too weak to walk to the toilet. I realised if I continued to take my health for granted, I could be in real trouble. I caught a glimpse of a not-too-distant future image – an old, sick and helpless man. I guess this is what it means to hit rock bottom. So this is how it feels like. Despair. Social disconnect. A recurring sense of failure. As I pick myself up and seek the positives in this most negative situation, it dawned on me that I have become more compassionate. No one wants to fail. No one wants to feel helpless. No one wants to think negative if they can help it.

My biggest takeaway from this period, which in turn helped me get out of this dark hole, is finally seeing and understanding something I thought I knew. That ‘nothing is random, nor will anything ever be’. We are all a small part of a much bigger whole. How I have lived my life until now is no accident. All my reflections, ‘if only I did this, maybe my life would have taken a different turn’, ‘if I sold my house half a year later, I would be richer’, ‘if I had studied art, if I had pursued a creative route’, ‘if only I had paid more attention to making and saving money’… these are doubts when we do not believe or trust ourselves enough. My life is my life. I don’t think I have lived it recklessly. Of course I know better, I am slightly wiser, and I understand myself more. But I did what I did. I should not have regrets. There is a wonderful order in the perceived randomness of the universe.

“How can this be? If nothing is random, and everything is predetermined, how can there be free will? The answer to that is simple. Nothing is predetermined; it is determined, or was determined, or will be determined. No matter, it all happened at once, in less than an instant, and time was invented because we cannot comprehend in one glance the enormous and detailed canvas that we have been given – so we track it, in linear fashion, piece by piece. Time, however, can be easily overcome; not by chasing light, but by standing back far enough to see it all at once. The universe is still and complete. Everything that ever was, is; everything that ever will be, is – and so on, in all possible combinations. Though in perceiving it we imagine that it is in motion, and unfinished, it is quite finished and quite astonishingly beautiful. In the end, or rather, as things really are, any event, no matter how small, is intimately and sensibly tied to all others. All rivers run full to the sea; those who are apart are brought together; the lost ones are redeemed; the dead come back to life; the perfectly blue days that have begun and ended in golden dimness continue, immobile and accessible; and, when all is perceived in such a way as to obviate time, justice becomes apparent not as something that will be, but as something that is.” – Mark Helprin, ‘Winter’s Tale’.

So we should just sit back and let things be? Not at all! Knowing there is a bigger scheme of things should fuel our faith in our existence. If we believe we exist for some purpose and meaning, we should follow our hearts. If we have basic faith that we will prevail, we should chase our dreams. But, most importantly, we should let the outcomes of our endeavours unfold naturally. Holding on to one outcome determined by our minds is a source of anxiety and self-doubt. Following our hearts and chasing our dreams and yet accepting the outcomes is to abandon our control and invite the forces of nature to compliment our lives. Internalizing this approach helps release tension from my body and ease friction in my mind. It also allows me to move on, with my passion for life intact.

‘Give life all you’ve got. And life will give all it has to you.’ I take heart in knowing that every dog has its day. My day in the sun will come.